”I throw pebble stones at the water when i take walks by the shore … not to make them bounce of the surface for others to see, naah I just like to watch the rings in the water expand.. proud and confidently..as if they had a message to carry to the entire world, and then see them get washed away from their very existence by the all dominating waves, reminding the rings in the water of the survival of the fittest..
Sometimes I throw rocks like curve balls,
imagining how they would drill through the bottom of the sea,
through tectonic plates, upper mantle, lower mantle not loosing pace before finally entering the inner core,
and in my mind I’ve been there..
I recognize the extreme sense of tranquility..it is the only place where one can find peace beyond comparison…
because there..there simply is no comparison…
it is where solitude comes to life in its most admirable form…
sometimes I just..I mean..
…I…I just wish I could be that rock..”
she gazed down and sighed…
”I throw rocks into the water to distort my self reflection cause I’m not quite sure that i understand what i see anymore..”
she paused again…and I followed her lead as she slowly stepped into the water…she had her eyes fixed on the horizon as if searching for something.. something she knew would come…something that was bound by the laws of nature to show itself.. and I foolishly thought we were awaiting the sunset – to change the current mellow topic of conversation.
As she forced her self to look down into the water without rocks in her hand, I noticed the tears running down her cheeks…
”Its been two years, too long, since I last felt like me, cause when I see me, I see surgery, doctor said I’ll make you beautiful just believe, but how could he possibly achieve perfect imperfections.
Because THAT was me..and now..now I’m left with something that society defines as beautiful, that my body has embraced but my heart and soul repels so deeply…”
She paused again.. and stared at me with her brown watery eyes, awaiting a respond of empathy, of compassion, a hug, a squeeze of the hand, a kiss…but her story was so overwhelming that my mind had completely frozen…my eyes stared right through her, as if trying to comprehend the extent of her pain… as I finally caught up with time, my eyes caught hers again..
I stuttered, while trying to grasp the turn of events
”Wauw..i, i, i.. feel ya..i mean that is some crazy…you know..that is really..aahm” –
completely blank…I couldn’t finish my sentence..
She looked at me with amazement, as if i had not listen to anything of what she just said..as if the last person on earth who could saved her, just abandoned all hope of doing so ”U dont get it do you!? None of you understand!!”
”You see that is the price of this, you can never really FEEL me, you will FEEL the bolts in my corrected jawbone at best,
the tenderness of the silicone filling of my lips
or the implants in my breast,
but you will never really feel me
I don’t exist anymore..I am a ghost and u will never see me, in-fact you HAVE NEVER SEEN ME!! you have only seen a socially accepted reconstruction of the so-called ideal me, but u have never really seen ME!!
The truth is..that i am lost…and I don’t know WHO or WHERE i am anymore…except that i have no more rocks in my hands…and i’m waiting for the tide to bring me home..”